Is My Body Telling Me I'm Ready for a Baby
Dearest Therapist: I'm Scared of Having Kids
I experience a rush of longing when I see a beautiful baby, but I can't tell if I'm ready to have one of my ain.
Editor's Notation: Every Midweek, Lori Gottlieb answers questions from readers about their problems, big and small. Have a question? Email her at honey.therapist@theatlantic.com.
Honey Therapist,
I want to exist a parent, but I am absolutely terrified. How do I become over this?
I'm 31 and my married man is 34. My hubby has been ready to starting time trying for a while, and in my gut I know I want to be a parent, but I'm merely getting more scared.
Part of the problem is we don't have much exposure to kids. None of our career-driven, urban, feminist friends are parents, and I would also be the kickoff parent at my company. I usually feel empowered by doing research, so I've read lots of articles and books on the subject. I was seeking affidavit, but all my reading simply fed my anxiety. I'm a little too well-informed at this point, about everything from postpartum depression to childbirth injuries to the fact that nigh couples see their marital satisfaction drop after the nascency of a kid. I know I can't "have it all" (that dumb phrase!) considering the U.South. lags far behind other countries in parental leave and back up, and I want to keep my ambitious career even though the organisation is rigged.
Yet every time I pass a cute infant on the street, I experience a rush of longing. In other moments, I'll inquire myself: Why accident upwardly our perfectly happy, easy lives by taking this crazy bound? The good stuff near having a kid is so ineffable, so hard to see from the other side, that I guess maybe there is no logical way to decide. We have plenty of coin, family unit nearby to assistance, etc. I also worry nearly waiting too long and not having equally much energy as an older mom (which is what my own mom was like). My husband is supportive and doesn't want to pressure level me, but it does experience like the clock is ticking. What should I practise?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
The paralysis yous're experiencing brings to listen the famous Einstein quote: "No problem tin can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it." Oftentimes in therapy I listen for the beginning affair people tell me, earlier they spin off into confusion and perseveration.
Y'all said upfront that y'all desire to be a parent, only something is property y'all back. That something, though, probably isn't one of the concerns you've listed here. Yes, kids affect our lives dramatically—our bodies, our marriages, our finances, and our careers (especially, every bit you lot say, for women in the U.S.). Merely y'all're right: This isn't a conclusion that's fabricated based on logic. You lot can't research your way through this. The internet offers lots of terrifying information almost everything from working mothers to fluctuating hormones, but information technology won't shed light on your emotional terror—which has left y'all stuck in ambiguity.
Paralyzing ambivalence frequently stems from feelings that a person isn't focusing on, or even aware of. Someone who can't decide to the point of paralysis betwixt two boyfriends or jobs or rugs from West Elm is probably conflicted virtually something else—perhaps trust or commitment or condign an developed. Yous'll be able to move past your ambivalence once yous understand the real root of it, and it might help to showtime by looking less at parenthood in full general and more at childhood—yours.
One of the best things people can practice every bit parents is examine the emotional residue of their ain upbringings. If we don't, we tend to either projection these one-time feelings onto our children or become terrified of taking on the parental office. Half a century ago, the psychoanalyst Selma Fraiberg wrote beautifully almost these lurking feelings in a paper called "Ghosts in the Nursery." Using observations from her work with families, Fraiberg described the ways in which problems from our childhoods—what she called ghosts—come up unbidden when we become parents (or, in your case, when yous contemplate parenthood). If we felt criticized, unseen, unsupported, controlled, or neglected growing upwardly—and we haven't worked through these feelings as adults—these ghosts will cause us to re-enact our pasts (or freeze in our tracks for fear of re-creating them).
The one thing yous mention near your mom is that she was older and lacked energy, and I wonder if there were times when this upset you, leaving y'all feeling disappointed or resentful or lonely or pitiful. You may take wished that she could be more like your friends' moms. Even if your mom was warm and loving and wonderful in other ways, a kid could easily misinterpret her lack of free energy equally rejection. She'due south besides tired to play might have felt like She'd rather not play. She can't go along this outing with me may take felt like I'm not that important to her.
You might non even know that these (or other) feelings were there, simply now, when you contemplate having your own kid, they render—if only on an unconscious level. My approximate is that your existent terror is based in self-dubiety: Can I be a good parent to my child? Or will I, too, crusade my child pain if a good bargain of my free energy is also directed toward my career and my marriage? Will my kid feel similar I did?
That'due south probably why, despite feeling a rush of longing when you see a cute baby on the street, doubts nonetheless popular up: Wait, what will happen to my marriage? You lot've got some key practicalities covered—the coin, the family unit members nearby—but across that, no amount of thinking or enquiry is going to move you lot forrad. The fact is, there'due south no way y'all'll know what it's similar to exist a parent until you are ane.
But there is a way to feel more emotionally ready by delving into the source of the terror: separating out your female parent's experience of parenthood (and your experience of her every bit a mother) from what will be your ain experience of parenthood (and your child's feel of you equally a mother). That's the distinction you need to make. You don't have to have information technology all neatly figured out, simply the more y'all make space for those differences, the less space your terror will have up.
Honey Therapist is for informational purposes merely, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or handling. Always seek the communication of your doc, mental wellness professional person, or other qualified health provider with any questions y'all may have regarding a medical condition.
Source: https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2018/05/dear-therapist-scared-of-becoming-a-parent/559907/
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